I am so glad that I have massage to concentrate on when things start to go down hill. I am glad that I have a best friend who would come over to my house at any time of the day or night just to listen to me talk when things in my life suck and I am fortunate to have a job to fill my days and class to fill some of my nights. I have pulled through worse then this and as it was recently told to me...I apparently am a strong girl...which is awesome. I didn't feel strong, still kinda don't, but gosh darn doesn't it feel good to know that someone thinks I am? That I am even dare I say it, an influence to some people. If all women handled things the way I handle them, this world might be just a little better off in my opinion. I am going to be patient, I have a heart full of love and its just waiting for someone to open it and share with me the good stuff in life. Like laughter and yes some tears. But if we didn't have moments like this in our lives, where crap just seems so overwhelming that you don't know where to turn, then how the heck would we be able to cherish the really good moments.
And its moments like this, that make me realize who I love, how I should live, with who I should spend my time and energy on, I've realized who really cares about me, and I finally agree that sometimes its healthy to have a really good, long and emotional cry. Sometimes you just hold so much in that the only way to feel light again and to feel right about things, is to just have a really good cry. I know I feel better.
I'm going to go to church this weekend with little Isabella and I am going to worship because it makes me feel good and I am going to talk to people after church that I normally don't talk to. I'm going to laugh my ass off about stuff that is really funny and I'm not going to think about anything other than taking one day at a time and not and not rushing anything. I'm going to sit back and look at the flowers in my mom's garden at home and I'm going to spend more time at the library like I used to. I'm going to change my life around so it suits ME again, and not anyone else first. Its time to take care of myself for a change and stop trying to take care of other people first. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to help people, I became a massage therapist for a reason after all. Helping people is in my blood or something, can't explain it, so why should I anyway? I just do it and I'm happy that I can share what I have with the world, but if I just concentrate on other people solely, then I will slowly give all of myself to everyone else and not have anything left of my identity. I won't recognize myself anymore, and I do not want that to happen.
Things will get better for sure, it might take a while but that's where my patience comes in, and they WILL get better, I assure you. Something will happen that will make all this worthwhile. Whether its finding someone new to add to my life, or adding someone old back into my life. Or becoming a different and better person and attracting new friends to my side, I will be OK damn it, because I choose to be :)