Sunday, July 5, 2009

Biker dudes, 4th of July fireworks and graduation parties abound

I am going to be leaving in a few minutes to go riding with a few people from my church to Port Huron and back but I wanted to get this out while I have the chance. I am excited for the ride, I love riding on the back of a bike and just relaxing, letting the wind toss my hair around my head and make me feel so free. I cannot wait until I can afford another bike, it looks like it might be a while though, with the spa and all, I probably won't be able to afford any "toys" for myself for a long time. That's OK though cause I should only be concentrating on my business for now anyway.

This entire weekend I had so much fun!! Thursday night was my graduation party at Buca di Beppo and then afterward we all went to The Box Bar and Grill for some cheap beer and dancing. That was a lot of fun and I can't believe how late I stayed out but its OK because I had the next day off work. I met a guy that night that my friend Jessica has been trying to get me to meet since before I met Dustin, in fact, I actually ditched out on my date with him the night I was supposed to meet him for the first time because I had met Dustin a day or 2 before and really liked him from the start and thought I might be able to have something with him. Cory understood and said it was fine and wished me luck, and well, here I am 5 months later, single, with my heart broken by a guy who has not been honest with me and who is a coward who can't even talk to me face to face.

I feel like just another ex of his. He talks about them like their crazy and I think of myself and I know I'm not like that. What possible reason could he have had for ending things...He couldn't even give me a good excuse as to why we can't be together, which is harder than having the truth because now I'm second guessing myself at every turn. Am I pretty enough for him? If I'm not than does that mean that I'm not going to be for any other guy that I end up falling for? Was I not good enough in bed? Will I ever find someone that can love my body the way it is? I'm not thin by any means, maybe I wasn't in good enough shape for him... Did I miss him too much when he wasn't around? Did I love him TOO much, could it be that I just have more love in my heart for him than he could or would ever have had for me?

Maybe I offered him too much help with things and that annoyed him, maybe in the future I shouldn't offer anyone help with anything and just let them fend for themselves. Maybe guys just fall out of love one day with the girls their with and there's no explanation, there's no reason for it. Or maybe he found someone else and she's better at everything than I am.

Maybe he'll regret breaking up with me later down the line and realize what he had right in front of him, but maybe not. I only asked for the truth, and honesty from the very beginning and he couldn't even give me that even at the very end. I tried so hard and maybe that was the problem. I'll never know because he probably won't talk to me ever again, that seems more likely than anything else I'm written.

So that's where I'm at. Trying to make sense of all this mess I find myself in, trying to date again even with a shattered heart that needs answers more then mending right now. And yet...I don't want answers because that would mean talking to him. If that is the only option than this is something I can work out myself. The task before me is set, to build up my confidence again to where it was before I let men into my heart.

I'm sick and tired of dating guys that make me think they care in the beginning just to find out later that they don't anymore but are too afraid to say something. I have deleted everything that reminds me of Dustin so that I don't have anything to cry over anymore. I have taken his number out of my phone, deleted his emails and address and put away everything he has given me when he "loved" me. The notes, the cards, the fortune cookies and the cd's. One day soon I am sure I will be able to look at all of it and smile, remember the good times we had and I'm so sure it won't hurt at all that I'm almost looking forward to that day. Only than will I be back to me.

No comments:

Post a Comment