today...

has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I can't forget things as easier as I'd like. Memories are sometimes good but today they suck balls.

Mood= Sad, think I'll leave work early and go home to take a nap.

You're holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go, I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I don't understand why I feel so sad
Every time I see you out with someone new...

HP6

I totally saw HP6 on Sunday night with a few good friends. They won advanced screening tickets at a theater in Novi and so we all went and got to see the movie a few days before everyone else. The movie officially comes out tomorrow and my dad and I are going to see it together probably Thursday afternoon when we both get out of work. I think it was awesome, definitely one of the better ones so far. Its kind of sad that there's only one left now and then its all over. At least the last movie will be split up into 2 parts and so it will be stretched out longer.

I'm a complete dork, this I know.

The turn my life is taking

My life has slowly spinned out of my normal orbit and into a completely different one than I ever thought possible.

4 months ago I was happy, dating a guy I thought was wonderful and that I could very well spend a long time with because things seemed so great. I was going to school for massage therapy and had every intention of working for my teacher as a massage therapy slave for $15 a massage once I got my certification. I planned on staying at my day job and maybe quitting later in the year, maybe by fall. I was growing my hair out so that I could get it long again and also get my natural color back because the guy I was with liked it that way even though I kind of didn't. I always wanted to stay near my family in MI but there was also a longing to see other places and live in other states for a while and see what I could see on my own, I understood that I couldn't afford, nor could I take off time from work to go and live somewhere else for a while.

Oh how the tables have turned, but not in a bad way. Now I am single, having fun and "dating" a few different people instead of getting serious with any one person. I am becoming friends with people that are new and interesting and I'm not even nervous about the fact that I am putting myself out there in the world and into the unknown. I am finished with school and instead of being a lackey for someone else all the time, I'm actually owning my own business, have my own home spa and I'm taking clients and making money every week! Not only am I doing all this, but recently I decided to let my work lay me off and they want me to collect unemployment for as long as I need to. Now I will have my days free to promote my business and my nights free to do what I please. I already have a few ideas of things that I can do to promote my massage business, and some of them I have already set into motion. I got my hair trimmed a few weeks ago and dyed it a pretty red color and last night I got a bunch of highlights in it and it looks SO GOOD I am so happy with how it turned out. It makes my eyes pop out and the blue in them is more pronounced not to mention it makes my skin glow peachy :)

Probably the most amazing thing though that will happen will be starting the 2nd week of August. I will be buying a one way ticket to Chicago OR driving my car, I've yet to decide...and I will be staying there for a while with my friends in their apartment while handing out my resume to every place I can imagine. If I can find a job doing massage on the side for cash, or even *maybe* doing something else like another office job(as long as it pays well) I can stay in Chicago for a few months and work and I can get out of Michigan for a while and see how I handle really being away from my family and friends. This will be a huge step for me, but I am willing to try and see what adventures I can have on my own in a city like Chicago. Depending on how long I stay and how much money I can save/make I might also go to North Carolina and stay with my big brother for a little while. He misses me and I want to meet his new wife since we've become friends online.

Another big change that I am going to make this summer will be getting my first tattoo. I am planning the design right now and am almost done. It will symbolize who I am what I hope to be and it will be on my body in a place only I and those close to me will ever see. That will be happening next week or the week after.

So many changes my goodness! I am excited for this new adventure in my life and even though I'm still not over some past events and I still wish certain things had turned out differently, I am so blessed to be able to experience new stuff everyday. How lucky am I?

Wish me luck, or better yet don't, it seems that I already have all the luck I need :)

Its been a busy couple days thats for sure

I have been pretty busy this last week. I have been staying at work late every afternoon, trying to get as much money out of my work as I can before my lay off. Which means coming home at 4:30 or so and then doing a massage or two here and there and then going out with the guys and chillin at a bunch of different bike nights.

Wednesday we went to Dooley's on Gratiot, we're thinking of moving that though soon, its lamer then normal. Thursday night we went to Royal Oak and hung out for a bit, that place was packed, it seemed like every rider was out there that night. We ran into a few people we knew which was nice, and I finally say my future bike in person. Its new this year from Honda, its a CBR600RR. I can't decide if I want the white one with the 2 phoenix's on the side panel or if i want the green and black since I love green

Choices, choices. Realistically speaking it will be a very long time until I can get one, simply because I won't have a job and I will have to save up and pay it in cash since I won't be having a job for a long time.

Last night I went to John's for a bonfire with Jeff and a few of John's buddies. That was cool, except for the drive to and from Oxford. That was a bit rough. Beautiful drive but it was long and I could feel all the gas leaving my car and never coming back lol. I actually got a little drunk and smoked some things I probably shouldn't have and then stayed up until 4am. I usually don't stay up that late but damn did I have fun and I really haven't had a lot of fun lately in my life. some here and there but not like last night. I got to cook food for a bunch of people and then sit around a bonfire and drink and drink and have some good conversation. Frankly it was just what I needed.

So the unemployment thing is slowly starting to make a little sense. I will hopefully not have to go without a paycheck for that long, assuming the state gets their shit together and sends me my check in a timely manner. If not its not so bad, I made $200 yesterday from clients and then my last 2 weeks at Obara will give me big fat paychecks since I have worked extra hours.

So being single isn't looking to be as bad as I thought, sure I don't get to have an intimate relationship with someone, but what has that ever really gotten me anyway. I kind of like having fun, not caring much about who I'm with and just going with the flow. But on the downside, I also crave some of the cuddle time and little sweet kisses with someone that really matters, plus when all my non single friends get together with me I feel a little left out. Not cool.

All will work itself out in the end.

Overall good weekend so far and its only going to get better. Today at 4pm my friend is coming to get me and we're driving to Novi with a few of our other friends and we're going to the early premiere of the new Harry Potter movie. they won tickets and invited me along since they know I'm a closet HP freak. The movie doesn't come to theatres until Wednesday so I am so fricken excited I am grinning like an idiot. Its slightly bitter sweet though since I had planned to go to The Bank with Ashley and (possibly) AJ tonight for my friend Jeff's release party but the movie starts right when the party starts at 7pm so its impossible. I was really excited to get all dressed hot and bother some boys tonight ;P

HP is better anyway. Hands down.

Massage time then shower then HP baby! have a great Sunday ya'll.

Laid off...

So my boss pulled me into the conference room this morning and talked to me about my impending lay off, he says that my last day is next Friday. I am happy because this means that I can now concentrate on my business but not happy because now I won't have a dependable income.

I have been through worse in my life, I'm sure I can get through this with no problem, but I am finding it hard to get all the info straight on what I need to do and how I need to do it to begin collecting unemployment. I have questions that I can't find answers to on the MI unemployment website and I tried calling the office today only to be put on hole for almost 45 minutes and I had to hang up because I had to go get lunch.

So now I don't know if I can file a claim since I'm not unemployed yet, and there's no one that can tell me.

I hate this state. I'm moving.

Unexpected

A few unexpected things happened yesterday night and this morning. The first happened last night, I met a guy at Kinko's on Gratiot and we started talking and ended up at Starbucks across the street for tea.

His name is Kyle, he is an intern for 2 Detroit radio stations and he goes to Specs Howard. He is 25, kinda geeky in a cool way, loves music and we actually had a lot to talk about. He is originally from VA and moved here 4 months ago for school. He is lonely seeing as all his friends live in another state so I offered to show him around town one of these days and take him to a bunch of cool places. He finds it amazing that I like to long board, I enjoy cooking, I'm a massage therapist who loves motorcycles, and I apparently am beautiful. I think that him and I will be very good friends, he seems like the kind of person I could talk to about anything. He also seems to be in a similar situation as I find myself so it was nice to talk to someone who understands.

So here's to meeting new people, striking up new friendships and broadening my horizons.

The next unexpected thing is that my cousin Kim called me out of the blue today and started up a conversation with me. She congratulated me on my graduation from school and asked how I was doing with the whole break up thing and all. I told her that I am doing really great actually and that I am moving on well enough in spite of all that happened. I don't usually talk to or see my cousin except for maybe once or twice a year at the usual family get together for my dads side of the family, so it was really unusual to me, but she had a lot to say by way of advice and encouragement for what I'm going through right now that really hit home and that most people in my life right now who really know me, STILL haven't been able to do.

People say "oh its OK, you'll find someone new, you deserve better, hes a jerk" blah blah blah. Even if I did find someone better, someone who was everything he wasn't, that still doesn't mean they will think that I have everything to offer that they want in a woman. That still doesn't mean 5 months into things that they won't up and leave without telling me why or what I did wrong. Who is to say that I don't go through 10 more guys who are all great and they are perfect for me and yeah I may fall in love, but none of that matters if they can't stick around, or get scared off by someone that loves them.

She said something that made so much sense to me that I can't believe that I didn't think of it before on my own. She said that she knows what I'm going through because she went through the same thing. We find someone that really makes our lives worthwhile and we love that person with all we have because we don't like to do anything half ass and we put everything we have into the relationship and then things go bad when the other person doesn't put nearly as much into it as we do. We feel jipped, taken advantage of and short changed. Its not fair that I put more of my heart into mine and Dustin's relationship than he did because in the end, its only the one that really was in love that gets hurt while the other one goes off scott free and clear with no hurt feelings to be had.

What she said really made a difference in my head. She also says that she decided to play the field, and that I should try it. I like the idea of not getting serious with anyone and being friends with someone for a year or so before I make a move to take a step towards being in a romantic relationship with that person. Its better than dating one guy alone and getting my heart broken again and it beats giving up entirely and convincing myself that there isn't really a guy out there that isn't a jerk.

She said that the right guy will come along, and it may be someone that is right in front of my face this whole time, or it could be someone new, but when it happens I'll know it and its important to be friends first before anything happens. I really loved Dustin even though he didn't love me as much, and I really wish we could have just been friends instead of ever dating. Not only would my heart be intact, but he would still be in my life right now and we would be having fun again like we used to, or at least I thought we used to have fun. Now I have no one to long board with, no one to play scrabble with, no house to help fix up, no one to bounce ideas off of when doing creative projects and no one to cook for...I lost more then a lover, I lost a friend.

The biggest mistake you can make is to be apart from a friend you once had the time of your life with.

Fan Fricken Tastic

I just saw this on Instructables.com, kinda wish I could have used it, or maybe someone else could have used it...

http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Break-Up/

It actually helped me a lot to read it, I was surprised. I know that during the break up with Dustin he didn't really do many of the things that he could have to make things easier on him, or me and its probably because of that fact, that my self confidence is at an all time low. Fortunately because I'm not a weak minded fool of a woman I have had my sad moments and teary eyes and I am now on my way to bigger and better things. Kinda bummed that he felt he couldn't trust me, and felt like he had to lie to me about what he was feeling...I wish I would have just known what he was thinking when I first asked him and than we could have just moved on and not had any broken feelings about it. Maybe then we would still be friends.

Lesson learned, for me at least...hopefully for him too so he doesn't do this to another unsuspecting girlfriend.

good days and bad

yesterday was a good day. I got my hair cut and colored, I am now sporting a dark red do with a few low lights and a few layers. I LOVE it. It opens up my face and it brings out my eyes. Its super cute, don't know how long I will have it for, I might go back next month and get a all over dark with highlights or maybe a nice dirty blond, that's like the only color I haven't done yet.

After that I went and hung out with Jessica for a little bit and we talked about me working for her, she thinks that I'm going to steal her clients or something, which is ludicrous and she knows it. I think that maybe I'm better than her at massage and shes afraid that her clients will ask me to do them at my house or theirs and then she won't get a cut. I told her I'd never do that to her, which is true, so shes thinking about it. She has a hard time trusting people I think, especially when it comes to the business.

After that I met my friend Brandon at the park and we talked and listened to music for a while before it got too late. Then I went home and packed all the things that remind me of Dustin into a very large and thick boot box that I had lying around. It is now in the bottom of my closet. I couldn't do this with my guinea pig though, he wouldn't stand for it, so I have to keep him around until I can find a place for him. He's pretty cute, I might keep him, we'll see. He's already chewed through both my phone charger and my iPod headphones so I'll have to think on it.

Today hasn't been a good day. But tomorrow, tomorrow will, I'll make sure of it.

Untitled

I wish I was stronger than this. I wish I could be happy again.

Biker dudes, 4th of July fireworks and graduation parties abound

I am going to be leaving in a few minutes to go riding with a few people from my church to Port Huron and back but I wanted to get this out while I have the chance. I am excited for the ride, I love riding on the back of a bike and just relaxing, letting the wind toss my hair around my head and make me feel so free. I cannot wait until I can afford another bike, it looks like it might be a while though, with the spa and all, I probably won't be able to afford any "toys" for myself for a long time. That's OK though cause I should only be concentrating on my business for now anyway.

This entire weekend I had so much fun!! Thursday night was my graduation party at Buca di Beppo and then afterward we all went to The Box Bar and Grill for some cheap beer and dancing. That was a lot of fun and I can't believe how late I stayed out but its OK because I had the next day off work. I met a guy that night that my friend Jessica has been trying to get me to meet since before I met Dustin, in fact, I actually ditched out on my date with him the night I was supposed to meet him for the first time because I had met Dustin a day or 2 before and really liked him from the start and thought I might be able to have something with him. Cory understood and said it was fine and wished me luck, and well, here I am 5 months later, single, with my heart broken by a guy who has not been honest with me and who is a coward who can't even talk to me face to face.

I feel like just another ex of his. He talks about them like their crazy and I think of myself and I know I'm not like that. What possible reason could he have had for ending things...He couldn't even give me a good excuse as to why we can't be together, which is harder than having the truth because now I'm second guessing myself at every turn. Am I pretty enough for him? If I'm not than does that mean that I'm not going to be for any other guy that I end up falling for? Was I not good enough in bed? Will I ever find someone that can love my body the way it is? I'm not thin by any means, maybe I wasn't in good enough shape for him... Did I miss him too much when he wasn't around? Did I love him TOO much, could it be that I just have more love in my heart for him than he could or would ever have had for me?

Maybe I offered him too much help with things and that annoyed him, maybe in the future I shouldn't offer anyone help with anything and just let them fend for themselves. Maybe guys just fall out of love one day with the girls their with and there's no explanation, there's no reason for it. Or maybe he found someone else and she's better at everything than I am.

Maybe he'll regret breaking up with me later down the line and realize what he had right in front of him, but maybe not. I only asked for the truth, and honesty from the very beginning and he couldn't even give me that even at the very end. I tried so hard and maybe that was the problem. I'll never know because he probably won't talk to me ever again, that seems more likely than anything else I'm written.

So that's where I'm at. Trying to make sense of all this mess I find myself in, trying to date again even with a shattered heart that needs answers more then mending right now. And yet...I don't want answers because that would mean talking to him. If that is the only option than this is something I can work out myself. The task before me is set, to build up my confidence again to where it was before I let men into my heart.

I'm sick and tired of dating guys that make me think they care in the beginning just to find out later that they don't anymore but are too afraid to say something. I have deleted everything that reminds me of Dustin so that I don't have anything to cry over anymore. I have taken his number out of my phone, deleted his emails and address and put away everything he has given me when he "loved" me. The notes, the cards, the fortune cookies and the cd's. One day soon I am sure I will be able to look at all of it and smile, remember the good times we had and I'm so sure it won't hurt at all that I'm almost looking forward to that day. Only than will I be back to me.